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CASUAL HIKER PUTS HIS EYE OUT........

(5/31/02- SHITHOLE, WYOMING).........In a freak accident Friday, Team Triple Crown Fan Club President Richard "Dick" Assholius, also known in the hiking community as "Casual Hiker", put his eye out with a Red Rider B-B gun. Witnesses claim they watched the dumb shit put the end of the gun barrel up to his eye, in an attempt to "see what was down there", when TTC Vice President of Player Development Boss Hogg suggested to Casual Hiker that he pull the trigger. Onlookers were amazed when Casual Hiker actually reached down and touched off the round, befuddled by how somebody could be so fucking stupid. "We knew he was dumb all of his life," explained Margaret Assholius, Casual Hiker's 83 year old mother. "We always told him if he didn't stop whackin', he was gonna go blind." Casual Hiker was unavailable for comment, although his mother reported that if we called back later, he might be "finished whackin' for a while." Team Triple Crown Management has fired Casual Hiker from his TTC Fan Club post, citing violations of the "Whackin' Policy", and regrets any stupid things he may have said to other readers.



TRIPLECROWNONEYEAR.com EYED BY SILICON VALLEY........

(5/12/02- SILICON VALLEY)......In stunning news released late last night by Team Triple Crown Press Secretary Ari Fleishmansbutter, it was revealed that software tycoon Bill Gates had been following the team's progress for months using the TTC website: www.triplecrownoneyear.com  Using the secret codename "Bob Brenner", Gates has been claiming that the website provides him a "window to the wilderness", while he sits trapped in a stinking corporate cubicle cranking out code with his bleeding fingers for some Gordon Gecko slavedriver who will make $50 million bucks on stock options just about the time Bob is getting fired because the company is filing for bankruptcy. When asked for comment in a phone interview earlier today, Gates responded "I don't know a Bob Brenner, a Fiddlehead, or a Pieps. And what the fuck is a Team Triple Crown anyways?" Gates is well known for his ability to lie through his teeth, making many industry experts believe he is, in fact, behind the Bob Brenner persona.



FIDDLEHEAD AND PIEPS PLAY VEGAS.........

(4/11/02- MIRAGE HOTEL AND CASINO, LAS VEGAS).......Officials from Steve Wynn's MRAGE Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, have confirmed that Team Triple Crown celebrities "Fiddlehead and Pieps" will indeed, replace Sigfreid and Roy, as the hotel's interim act. Sigfreid and Roy are expected to return after a world tour for really disgusting sex toys ends later this month. The Team was contacted on the trail some 200 miles west of Las Vegas by TTC Minister of Propoganda Boss Hogg, who filmed the two stepping in and out of stretch limosines and scarfing pounds of food at the Luxor AYCE Buffet during their Las Vegas arrival. "After cramming food in every usable square inch of their bodies, I took them to the top of the Stratosphere Tower," Boss Hogg explained joyfully. "Then, I strapped them into the Big Shot Ride, which shoots you up 20 stories in 3 seconds, and filmed them vomiting." The two were whisked away to the Mirage to begin their preparartions, when it was determined by Mirage officials that Fiddlehead and Pieps "were a little too faggy looking" to replace the famed magicians. They were quickly escorted out of the Mirage due to their stench and overall poor appearance.



TTC MEMBER SHUNNED BY SANTA CLAUS...........

(12/22/01- KRINGLE LEAN-TO, NORTH POLE)......... A sad development discovered yesterday in the Annual North Pole Who's Been Naughty or Nice Press Release, has Team Triple Crown officials scrambling for last minute intervention by a Federal Appeals Court. According to North Pole Press Secretary Ima Snowfart, "Santa Claus has made his list and checked it twice, and found that Boss Hogg has indeed been naughty." The list is published each year shortly before Christmas, allowing those classified by Santa as "naughty", reasonable time to appeal to a Federal Court. Neighbors of Hogg have begun a 24 hour candlelight vigil in front of his home, and are in the process of gathering leftover anti-aircraft missiles from Cap Weinberger's garage a few doors down the street from the Hogg compound. "That fat %$#@ (edited for church groups) wouldn't know naughty if it hit him in his fat ass*", decried an obviously disgruntled Hogg. "I will appeal to the highest court in the land!" Many legal experts believe Hogg's chances of seeing the ruling overturned are good, considering that most of the Supreme Court Justices believe that Santa Claus is a politically incorrect violation of the rights of some little terd third grader telling all his friends that Santa is bullshit.

*Editor's note: The word "ass" is used in the Bible to describe Samson's slaying of the Philistites, "with the jawbone of an ass", so lighten up!"



FIDDLEHEAD FOUND BACKSTAGE AT ROCK CONCERT.........

(12/15/01- HARPERS FERRY, WV)......... In an obvious attempt to divert media attention from the 7500 mile Team Triple Crown odyssey, Glen "Fiddlehead" Fleagle was seen partying wildly backstage at the Tracy Chapman concert, Saturday night in the Harpers Ferry Metrodome. Witnesses say they saw Fiddlehead donned in colorful scarves, eating falafel and goat cheese, while sipping champagne with Chapman and her band. Amazingly, Fiddlehead's girlfriend's roommate (trailname: Roomie) has been secretly doubling for rock star Tracy Chapman, while the real star recovers in the Betty Ford Clinic. Chapman is famous for her hits "Gimme One Good Reason" and "Fast Car", and has won several Grammys for her rootsy folk-rock style. While Roomie has been forced to maintain complete secrecy over the "Milli-Vanilli" like scam, she was overheard suggesting to backstage security that Fiddlehead was, in fact, Michael Jackson in disguise. Soon thereafter, Fiddlehead was seen wearing a silver glove as he was escorted into Chapman's limousine. Roomie plans to return to her regular job after the tour ends in April.



TEAM TRIPLE CROWN SUPPORT MEMBER DETAINED BY FBI.........

(12/02/01- DELEWARE WATER GAP)......... Stunning news released by Team Triple Crown yesterday, confirmed that TTC Support Van Mechanic Scott "Hoffy" Hoff had been arrested by authorities for hacking a NASA mainframe surveillence computer from a payphone at a Jiffy Mart. FBI Special Agent Jack N. Competent explained that sometime last week, top-secret NASA spy computers were illegally positioned to point torwards 38 nudist colonies which have been the focus of an unrelated 3 year government investigation into naked sunbathers. "The hacker has used technological wit and advanced programming skills which are proving difficult to our highly trained Donkey Kong video game experts," explained Competent in a taped interview this week. "Some believe that the hacker must be a wild eyed male, in his mid twenties to early thirties, like those kids in that movie with Angelina Jolie. Hoffy kind of fits this profile, so he's definitely our number one suspect. It's doubtful we'll look any further at other possible explanations." Agent Competent was also the lead investigator of the Richard Jewell bombing investigation at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics.



FIDDLEHEAD LINKED TO MAYFLOWER PILGRIMS........

(11/22/01- MASS/CONN BORDER)......... Shock waves rattled the thru-hiking community early Thursday morning as most woke up to family gatherings and Thanksgiving Day celebrations across the country. In a stunning announcement released by Team Triple Crown (TTC) officials, it was confirmed that hiking guru Glenn 'Fiddlehead" Fleagle had in fact, come to America centuries ago with the original Pilgrims. As the news spread like wildfire here in northern Connecticut, further information slowly leaked from Team Triple Crown Headquarters, located on a remote island off the coast of Maine. It was reported and later confirmed by TTC Minister of Propaganda Osama Boss Hoggy, that Fiddlehead had also captained the Santa Maria and saved the huge vessel and its inhabitants, mainly explorer Chris Columbus, in a perilous storm. "I hated the stupid shoes, those wall-kicker things.......made my feet hurt," explained an exhausted Fiddlehead while shoving Thanksgiving Dinner down at Brad's All-U-Can-Eat BBQ Buffet in North Dumass, CT. "Sucks being 520 years old.....Did I mention I sell underwear?" Fiddlehead described life as a Pilgrim to be similar to that of life on the trail. He claims he still misses the big black hats and belt buckles, though.

Editors Note:   HAPPY THANKSGIVING TEAM! KEEP ON KICKIN' ASS!



SHIRT MISTAKEN FOR MULE DEER, SHOT GRAZES BACKPACK........

(11/13/01- STRATTON, VERMONT)......... Team Triple Crown hiker/driver/allaroundniceguyer "Shirt" narrowly escaped serious injury when he was mistaken for a mule deer near the Stratton Village Green on Saturday.. A normally quiet morning in this small, pristine slice of Vermont, turned chaotic around 2PM, when the boom of gunshots shattered the serene environment. "We saw this thing movin' up theyah, so I 'magine we shot it," explained Nelson Beal, one of the old-timer hunters involved in the scene. "We ain't seen a deah that lahge in yeahs!" Upon realizing that he was the target of anxious Vermont deer hunters, Shirt ran out of the woods screaming wildly and waving his arms, causing several automobile collisions at the intersection of Milk Drive and Cow Avenue. The hunters later apologized to Shirt, and presented him with a Cabellas DayGlo orange hunting vest, signed by all the locals drinking coffee at the Dunkin Donuts..



PIEPS EYED BY 2002 U.S. SKI TEAM........

(11/10/01- KILLINGTON, VERMONT).......... As the U.S. Ski Team gears up for the 2002 Olympic Winter Games, all eyes at the Olympic Training Center here in Killington were focused on Team Triple Crown thru-hiker Brian "Pieps" Piepergerdes. News reached U.S. Ski Team officials late Sunday night that Piepergerdes had, in fact, broken a World Record somewhere in the White Mountains in the Men's Downhill Tumble. A new event in this year's Salt Lake City Olympic Games, the Downhill Tumble, otherwise known as "the DT", combines alcohol detoxification with falling down a steep, snowy mountain. Reports from the White Mountain National Forest Park Service Homeland Defense Security Headquarters were sketchy, but suggested that Pieps had made the drunken descent in record time. "Try Speed-Hiking through the Whites in 18 inches of snow, with a wicked good hangover" explained Pieps. "After the initial blur in your eyes turns to haze, you ignore the splitting head pain and focus on the form of the fall. It's really a rush!" Pieps credits his ability to perform under such adverse circumstances to "JA". Mr. Ja did not return repeated requests for comment.



FIDDLEHEAD WINS POWERBALL LOTTERY.........

(11/2/01- MT. WASHINGTON SUMMIT, NEW HAMPSHIRE).........Team Triple Crown hiker Glenn "Fiddlehead" Fleagle stunned the long distance thru-hiker community yesterday when he announced that he had matched all six numbers in last night's 8 Million Dollar Tri-State Powerball Lottery. "I stopped into the gift shop at the top of Mt. Washington to buy some crampons, and sure enough they sold lottery tickets instead," exclaimed a jubilant Fiddlehead. "I asked the cashier to pick her favorite numbers, and she did, and I found out this morning that the numbers matched." Fiddlehead immediately began making calls to local new car dealerships, travel agencies, furriers, and jewelers. He was overheard mumbling incoherently (something about "Brewster's Millions"), when he received a second call from the Tri-State Lottery Commission, informing him on how to collect his winnings. The Commission also explained that oddly enough, 6,234,972 other people had chosen the same winning numbers, making each person's share $1.08. Reliable sources inside the gift shop report that bright red light began to shoot from Fiddlehead's eyes, mouth and ears, before he spontaneously combusted into a huge ball of fire.



CRACKYBUTT STRIKES WITH A VENGEANCE.........

(10/29/01- GRAFTON NOTCH, MAINE)........ It was only a matter of time before Team Triple Crown's injury free hiking status came to an end, and today was a very painful day for one of the team members "Shirt". Although the team had spent months developing contingency plans for sore feet, legs, knees, and lungs; the insipid and painful "Crackybutt" reared it's ugly head early Sunday morning. Shirt explained, "I woke up and thought Pieps had played one of his awful cayenne pepper tricks on me during the night." But upon further investigation, it was determined that the pain had been ushered in by the feared and dreaded Crackybutt Condition, to which there are currently no known cures. Officials from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta were surprised to see the purity of the Crackybutt strain Shirt had contracted, and confirmed that Crackybutt had been completely eradicated from the Earth until America began its War on Terrorism. "While law enforcement officials have been focused on Anthrax and the US Mail, Crackybutt snuck in under the radar," explained CDC Crackybutt specialist Ben Doveritburns. A 14 inch leg spacer/separator has been installed in Shirt's crotch to alleviate the burning fire sensation associated with Crackybutt. Shirt will drive the van for the next few days while sitting on 10 pound blocks of ice.



TEAM TRIPLE CROWN HITS PEEVIE'S SPA AND RESORT.........

(10/25/01- NORWAY, MAINE)....... After 260 or so odd miles southbound on the AT, Team Triple Crown took a well deserved day off after receiving a formal invitation to visit the new "Peevie's Spa and Resort". After selling his interest in his guitar and amplifier company, Peevie took his millions and constructed a new state of the art thru-hiker oasis, just miles off the Appalachian Trail in Maine. Team Triple Crown was treated to a fantastic spa treatment, including hot tubs, mud baths, and aloe-Vera facials. Fiddlehead described the corn meal foot rub as "the best 6 and 1/2 minutes of my life", while Pieps and Shirt sat twitching, unable to form words of more than two syllables. Peevie's Spa Manager, Mary Lou, entertained the group with a fabulous traditional boiled Maine dinner, followed by stories of being mounted by a bull moose in her backyard. The team was shocked to discover that Mary Lou was telling the truth about her experience with the horny moose, when she produced photographic proof of the alleged sexual relation. Former President Bill Clinton immediately sent his regards and questioned whether the moose was still alive and available for parties. Pieps was also seen chaining himself to a radiator at the spa, as to not get too excited about the moose story. This was also Boss Hogg's last day as Team Support Driver, as he was whisked away like a friggin' rock star in a private jet from the Norway Regional Airport. Unnamed sources are reporting that his quick exit may have been motivated by a letter from his wife's newly appointed attorney.



BOSS HOGG ACCOSTED IN CARATUNK, MAINE..........

(10/23/01- CARATUNK, MAINE)....... Team Triple Crown Support Driver and Webmaster Boss Hogg was accosted late Monday afternoon by several residents of the northern Maine town of Caratunk. Hogg was visiting the downtown section of Caratunk attempting to find a place to upload and download e-mail and pictures of the trek. Because northern Maine still operates under the "21st century sucks" principle, Hogg was unable to find an internet cafe or public library. Upon entering a local cable television company, Hogg was eyed by several toothless employees looking to pick a fight with a hippie. When he asked if he could use a telephone line for a few minutes of toll-free calling, he was jumped by three overweight security guards named Mac (that's Mark in the rest of the US). A melee ensued, and Hogg was lucky to escape with minor injuries. Apparently, the security guards had mistaken Hogg's dreadlocks for a turban, and decided that Hogg posed some kind of threat simply by the way he looks. After offering Hogg 3 months of free HBO, he decided to drop any charges and leave the town peacefully.



THRU-HIKER SETS BACKPACK WEIGHT RECORD..........

(10/20/01- MONSON, MAINE)...... Although Team Triple Crown and their brave hiking quest has led the local news for days, residents of the central Maine community of Monson were shocked to learn of the tribulations of a fellow hiker not associated with the team. Spotted Tuesday stumbling into town near the post Office, thru-hiker "Indy" was seen to be carrying something resembling a small Volkswagen on his back. When asked what it was, Indy was unable to immediately respond and collapsed to the ground under the weight of the sack. Upon regaining consciousness, Indy gasped, "And Santa Claus thought his load was heavy." Somewhat embarrassed by the incident, Indy suggested that his pack only weighed "45 or so pounds". But after later weighing the pack at the North Anson Hunters Weigh-In Station, it was confirmed to boast a World Record weight of 293 pounds. Although Indy had planned to thru-hike the entire AT Southbound, he has canceled his trip and instead will appear on the Montel Williams Show next Friday.



TEAM TRIPLE CROWN BLASTS OFF FROM THE KATAHDIN SPACEPORT...........

(10/14/01-EAST MILLINOCKET, MAINE) ...... A wild night of light filled skies and unexplained phenomena baffled residents of this small Maine community Sunday night, as reports of unidentified walking objects (UWO's) jammed police telephone lines for hours. Police Chief Elmer Duchette confirmed that the Millinocket Police Department received over 250 calls about the UWO's from noon until 3PM Sunday afternoon. After conferring with Baxter Park officials, it was determined that the unidentified walking objects were members of Team Triple Crown, a whacked-out group of renegade hikers attempting to experience death by walking long distances. Residents were relieved, but still concerned that these team members had, in fact, lost their minds. Reliable sources inside the Baxter State Park Department later confirmed the identity of the Team Triple Crown members as Glen "Fiddlehead" Fleagle and Brian "Pieps" Piepergerdes. Although both men were unavailable for comment (no phones at the Poplar Ridge Lean-to), team support driver Scott "Boss" Hogg explained, "At first, the townspeople were scared of UWO's, but now, after meeting them, they understand that people from another dimension should not be feared.......just fed." Keith Shaw of Shaw's Boarding House in Monson, Maine, slaughtered a cow in tribute to Team Triple Crown's valiant attempt to walk all three trails in a year.